It's Not My Fault!
by TortoisetheStoryteller
Summary: A rather pointless one-shot in which Fili and Kili plead innocent and Oin doesn't believe them.


**This one-shot was written for a challenge of the same name issued by Eruherdiriel on the Many Paths to Tread fanfiction archive. I had to write about character(s) that are normally troublemakers getting in trouble for something they actually didn't do.**

**All characters were invented by Tolkien, and I don't own any of them. However, they are really fun to play with.**

"Fili! Kili!" Oin's shout could be heard across the campsite. A bundle of sleeping dwarrow morphed into a pair of sleepy young brothers. Oin marched across the campsite, his beard full of needles and cones from the pine trees they were sleeping under. It was quite pretty, actually, with braids of needles complementing the braids of beard and hair.

"What is the matter here?" Thorin asked. His nephews scrambled to their feet, still blinking and yawning.

"Just look what those young rascals have done to my beard!" Oin exlaimed. "It's all full of sap, too!" No sap was immediately obvious, though it was possible it was there, behind the unusual decorations.

Thorin took a good hard look, then turned to Fili and Kili. "Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?"

Kili was actually alert by now, but Fili looked rather out of it yet. "It wasn't us, Uncle, honest," Kili said. "We slept all night."

"Fili? What have you to say?" Thorin asked.

"...Say about what?" the dwarf in questions mumbled sleepily.

"About my beard you prankster!" Oin roared. Fili's eyes snapped properly open, and he examined Oin's beard.

"Beautiful braiding," he said. "Pine needles can't be easy to work with. And just how are the pinecones kept in?"

Oin looked about to become really angry rather than merely annoyed, but Thorin stepped in. "Did you braid his beard like that?" he asked his heir.

"No, but I wish I had," Fili said. "That is truly masterful braiding. I slept all night."

Thorin looked around at the assembled dwarrow. "Can anyone verify this claim?" he asked. Bombur stepped forward.

"They slept all through my watch," he said. "The most movement I saw was a few wiggles. I think one kicked the other, but I'm not sure which one."

"I saw no movement either," added Gandalf.

"Kili visited the woods during my watch," Dwalin said, "but he lay back down and went back to sleep immediately. He never went near Oin."

"They didn't move during my watch either," I added. "Slept like perfect angels, they did."

Thorin nodded "If no one saw the boys do it, then for the moment we should investigate other options. Does anyone have anything to confess right now?"

Complete silence except for the sounds of the ponies.

"Come on, own up you coward!" Oin exclaimed. "I want to know who did this to my beautiful beard!"

Thorin walked around the dwarves, looking each one in the eye. I looked right back at him, but next to me, Bilbo dropped his eyes. Oin immediately jumped to a conclusion.

"It was you!" he shrieked, hitting a particularly high note. He came over and grabbed the hobbit. Thorin looked surprised, but said nothing.

"No, no, no," the hobbit squeaked. "I didn't do it! I'm no good at braiding. I slept all night. Ask the others!"

I was quick to uphold the hobbit. "He slept all through my watch." The others added their voices to mine, all confirming that Bilbo had slept soundly all night.

"He's a burglar," Oin said, still suspicious. "He could have done it by stealth."

The poor hobbit looked like he was about to faint. This wasn't fair to him.

Just as Dwalin started to argue that he could tell when someone was sleeping and when he was faking, I stepped forward. "I did it," I said.

Everyone stopped to stare at me. "Mr. Bofur?" Kili said in surprise.

"Yes," I said, then seeing their shock, I continued rather angrily. "Don't you think I can pull off a prank or two? I'm as able to prank as you and your brother are."

Then Oin was in my face. "Why did you do it?" he roared. "There's pine sap in my beard. I think I shall have to cut it to get it out."

"No you won't," I said. "You just have to soak it a while. It comes out. I did it because you already had a lot of needles in your beard, and I wanted a reason to laugh. It really is my best braiding."

Oin looked about to say something rash, but Thorin pulled him away, whispered to him, then approached me.

"I hope, Bofur, that you do not plan on repeating this sort of behavior," he said, "or I shall have to pair you with someone else for watches, like I do with Fili and Kili."

"Of course not," I said. "This was just to send us off well."

Thorin nodded, then leaned in towards me. "If you teach either of my nephews to do that I will hunt you down."

I gulped and nodded. So much for my plans for that evening.


End file.
